.::Why, Its Like A Dream, A Wonderful Dream Come True::. [entries|friends|calendar] Natalie LEAVE ME BE HE SAID layout by famouslstwrdsxx. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[ July 16th, 2009 @ 10:17am ] God, I love paydays. Im at work, and honestly Im starting to think that my brain may rot from how horrendously boring being in front of a computer 9 to 5 is. I never have any idea of what to search for or look at, but its ridiculous because the moment I get out of work and say, am driving home, or at home doing something, I'll think of something I'll want to look up on the internet. And of course, by the time I get to work again, I completely forget what it is that I wanted to look up. Im updating about how boring my life is. Jesus christ. So I ended up talking to Papito finally after, what, two weeks? I txted him when I wasnt thinking straight and we made plans to go to a motel when what would have been later on tonight. Figures that he'll start talking to me after I start talking about sex, and here he was telling me when we started getting to know each other that he wasnt like that, that he wouldnt stop talking to me if we have sex. Like I havent heard that a million times before. But in bed last night I started thinking that that wouldnt be a good idea. I keep making mistakes regarding who I let in my bed and here I was going around looking for it. I wanted to slap myself.I really honestly dont think that I'll ever have sex or do anything too heavy with someone for a looooonnnngggg time.I might not learn my lesson the first time, but fuck it, I fucking learn eventually. So I broke it off. Is it sad to say that Im proud of myself? Im so pathetic. Today is the 16th, right around the time that fccj should be sending out their acceptance letters. Well, and their rejection letters as well, lemmy not get too ahead of myself here... I just hope that I'll get a letter sooner rather than later so I can know what to do for the fall semester. Obviously, if I dont get accepted, Im going to have to register for classes for the fall at MDC. At least that way, I'll be finishing with my AA and saving up more money and apply again for the program in the spring. Leave; Your; Mark

[ July 7th, 2009 @ 3:30pm ] So its been finalized. I have a full time position at the University of Miami officially starting July 10th, this friday! Im excited yet anxious because well, I have a full time job which in this economy is quite a blessing and Im anxious because it just reminds me that Im still waiting for FCCJ to come through with its answer on wether or not im accepted in the LPN program. My wages get raised two whole dollars and I'll be working the full forty hours weekly. I just hope I'll be able to enjoy this while it lasts. Part of me hopes that I dont get accepted, just so I'll be able to enjoy getting paid this much for a little while! But then Im like wtf?? are you crazy?? The lpn thing is ur LIFE. Ur CAREER! Lpn is what Im going to base the rest of my life on and how can I hope to have that pass me by! Idk. Either way I think, I'll be fine. I can always apply for the following spring semester, and with me staying here, I'll be able to save up even more money and take some classes for my AA. *sigh* These are one of the times where I wish I could read my own future. Just to have some peace for myself. After work I have to remember to stop by CVS and print out some photos my grandmother's been bugging me about. She needs them because she wants to send some family photos with her to Cuba to show her relatives when she leaves. I bought some photo albums for my Boston pics. I went to kohls and searched around, but ultimately I was disappointed. It was my first time going there, and they only had like three albums. I wanted one of the tall ones, that held more than 300 photos, but the ones they had there were the smallish kind and held 200 a piece. But since they were two for one, I ended up buying them anyways. Here you can see both of them a little bit: ( Read more ) Im debating just holding them in there until I find one thats more suitable, but, knowing how I am and how long it'll most likely take to find one and actually buy it.. I might as well just leave em in there. Anyways, its five and I gotta split. Heres to hoping I dont forget to go to cvs before the end of the day! 1; Leave; Your; Mark

[ June 29th, 2009 @ 10:56am ] I finally told Ethan I loved him last night. It was totally non planned and I couldnt believe I actually said it. Why I started another "stomp on my heart" session I dont know. He replied that I couldnt possibly know him well enough to love him. Like, yeah of course ethan, I've only been talking to you almost every day for the past eight months, but no, I dont know ANYTHING enough about you to have me love you a possibility. I dont ever fucking learn. I dont just cut this stupid connection I have with him because God knows we're not friends. He barely talks to me now. And somehow I keep thinking that he'll come around and that things will get better. I dont get the hint that he doesnt want to be with me. That his whole spiel about caring strongly about me before we had sex was total and complete bullshit. He just ended up being another guy I regret fucking. Add his name to the pile. I just never want to be in a relationship again. I dont want to be in that vulnerable position again.This situation has put such a sour taste in my mouth for boy-girl relationships that I swear I just wanna puke. Im not having sex anymore- that just fucks everything up. Sometimes I hope Rey doesnt think that he's ever getting sex from me. Because thats just a no go. Im sorry. Sometimes I feel that Im taking out my frustrations about ethan out on rey. That I refuse to let myself be attached to anyone and I guess its almost like Im using Rey for all the things that I didnt let myself have before. I dont know. I dont even want to think about that. . . . . Congratulations Ethan, you've just succeeded in convincing me you're a piece of shit. 1; Leave; Your; Mark

[ June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:48am ] I hate when I have tons of things to update on, yet I totally lack the desire to actually write up everything. Whats new? I always feel that way. The date that I was set up with by steph and kenny went well. He was nice, sweet and slightly cute. He's a nice guy and its fun to have someone to talk to and to be with so Im not completely alone. But the more time I spend with him, its like the more I realize that he is just totally not my type. He's nice to chill with and talk to, but not someone I can see myself dating for long term. So Im just enjoying myself. I made sure he knew I wasnt looking for anything concrete just to make sure he wont think Im leading him on? But he said it was fine, that he was in the same position too, seeing as he just got out of a long term relationship. So I suppose things are good in that aspect. I hate how every night we hang out, I come home and I miss ethan all the more. The pain of loving someone who doesnt give a shit about you is one of the more horrible experiences I've had so far. I dont know. The more time passes, the more I realize that he was right. He's definitely not what Im looking for in my life. He cant make me happy because he doesnt want to. Because he just doesnt give a fuck about me. But realizing the truth doesnt make the fact any easier. Im still waiting on jacksonville. It'll still be a while before I should expect an answer. The letter they sent me warned me that they wont process the applications until 6-8 weeks after june 1st. But here's to hoping its more along the lines of 6 wks instead of 8. Im debating going to school up there anyways even if I dont get accepted, and wait until january and apply again. At least I'll be getting some classes out of the way for my AA. Who knows. We'll see where the wind takes me on that. 1; Leave; Your; Mark

[ June 19th, 2009 @ 2:57pm ] Stephanie and Kenny are setting me up on a date tonight. Is it a date? Idk. Maybe. We're getting together for dinner at bennihannas and a movie later on - and he is adamant about paying for me, even when I told him I couldnt let him do that. I dont know if Im happy about this.I dont know how I feel about this at all. Im not really attracted to him from the pictures I've seen of him, not that he's unattractive, but he's not my kind of guy. He's flippin younger than me. I believe he JUST turned 20. I mean, really, I feel like an old woman now, robbing the cradle. Im hoping he knows that Im not looking for anything and I think he's in the same position. But you never know, I always get myself entangled in situations like this. I just dont feel like being with anyone right now. Ethan is the only one I want to be with, but I gotta learn to let him go. He finally told me last night that he has no plans on going out with me once I move to Jacksonville. That we're too different and he's not the person im looking for. Should I be surprised? I mean, really. Lets do the math --> I find him cute+ we had sex+ I want to be with him = me being disappointed when he doesnt want to be with me. I mean, it happens in every fucking situation Im in, theres really very litte variable aside from the guy being different in each case. So by this point, Im just fucking bitter. I just want to cry everytime I think about him, when I think about how disappointed I am in him and this situation. I wish I never saw Ethan as more than just an aquaintance on myspace. I wish I never met him in person, and I wish I never had sex with him. God. Sex just fucked everything up, for real. Im so fucking hurt and angry. Maybe this date will help me get over him, wether I find this guy attractive or not. Its just for fun. I need something to take my mind off of this. Leave; Your; Mark

[ June 5th, 2009 @ 4:08pm ] Im still stuck on him. I hate this feeling. I dont want to have feelings for him anymore, because I dont deserve this. Sometimes I hate this job because it gives me so much free time that I have nothing to do but to think. And thinking is the worst thing you can do in my situation. Leave; Your; Mark

Bit of advice I read somewhere. [ June 3rd, 2009 @ 1:16pm ] Live your life. Dont be afraid of obstacles, consequences, opinions. Time is really all you have, and one day you just might find yourself with less of it than you think. Leave; Your; Mark

[ June 2nd, 2009 @ 10:55am ] My dream life right now is to move to jacksonville, and spend my weekends traveling to distant unknown, delapidated old towns and take as many pictures and make as many memories as possible. I want to go to small cities and get myself lost in the awesomeness, soak in small town life. I want to be the proverbial tourist, find a spot and learn about every inch and bit of information that place has to offer. I want to drive into a small town and cruise the boardwalk shops, make friends with the randomest assortment of people I can muster, and end my day with a stop at a bar for drinks. I think that would be heaven. Leave; Your; Mark

[ May 20th, 2009 @ 12:13pm ] I hate how I always eat fast and then I feel bad when its finished. Like I didnt get enough and I feel cheated out. My usual subways five dollar footlong, chicken teriyaki isnt five dollars anymore. I feel ripped off having to pay the extra dollar for no reason, then get jypped cuz they dont even have all the cheeses like they used to before and I missed out on my provalone :[ Leave; Your; Mark

Randomnicity [ May 19th, 2009 @ 12:52pm ] I have been craving peanut butter for the past, idk, week? two wks? now. I guess I must have some sort of protein deficiency. But I was reading someone posting about making peanut butter and banana sandwhiches on an lj comm and I almost died of the want. So I've been having peanut butter and banana sandwhiches, along with PB and sliced apples TONS recently. I think I ate a quarter of a new bottle of PB I just bought half an hour ago. I could prolly stuff some more in my face, but I will resist the temptation, seeing as Im trying to lose weight and all. HAH. Peanut butter will be the death of my weight loss thus far :[ Todays message brought to you in part by Natalie's Random Information Corporation and readers like you. Leave; Your; Mark

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